Viagra: My Desperate Gamble

For mature adults only: my experience with erectile dysfunction, masturbation, and sildenafil.

Photo by Ilias Nickolarakis on Pexels.com

Copyright 2022 (text only) by Alan Carl Nicoll
All Rights Reserved

Note to readers: The following are diary entries regarding my erectile dysfunction. Updates will be added at the front. THIS CONTENT IS INTENDED FOR MATURE ADULTS ONLY. I publish this material because it seems to me that men do not talk about this kind of thing, and honest, unbiased reporting, if I can call it that, is not easy to find. I am not trying to sell you anything, you see, and in fact I am in no position even to accept donations.

New readers might want to start with the earliest post (i.e., at the bottom). Posts so far are dated 3/16, 3/24, 3/27, and 4/20; you can skip from post to post by searching (Ctrl-F) for the left brace: {

Comments and questions are welcome. Nothing posted here should be understood or construed as medical or legal advice. I have no such expertise. In addition, when comparing your own situation to mine, please recognize that I am 75, am taking many medications because of my medical history, and that medical history includes coronary artery disease, prediabetes, a heart attack, stable angina, and at least one sexually-transmitted infection (STI) three decades ago. In other words, “your results may differ.”

{4/20/22} Update

I masturbated to orgasm, without sildenafil, on Sunday.  But since then (now Wednesday) I’ve kept trying, without success.  I was “close” on Monday night, that is, it felt close and I was persistent and much motivated, but it was not to be.  Perhaps it is not good to do this?  Despite the lack of completion, it’s fun along with the frustration.

{3/27/22} update

In my erectile dysfunction news, I made a discovery this morning, pretty obvious in retrospect but also discouraging:  the most sensitive area of my penis (the folded skin under the head or “glans”) is now quite insensitive.  I attribute this to the “nerve death” I think I suffered several months ago [mentioned below also], as a result of my prediabetes condition.  No wonder it’s difficult to achieve orgasm; sildenafil won’t do anything for this specific defect, but the tautness of the skin that results from a good erection makes penile skin more sensitive.

Another point:  there is such a thing as a “penis ring,” usually referred to by a synonym for “rooster”; this can be simulated during masturbation by compressing the base of the penis with the left hand.  Again, this tightens the skin and so increases sensitivity in the part that’s not being compressed.  Whether this will translate into easier orgasms I have yet to test. [I do not use the synonym for rooster because my computer use is monitored by the feds and can result in unwanted attention from my probation officer. So I keep such “slang” to a minimum here.]

And a further thought:  testosterone-stimulant herbs “enhance libido.”  What would be the result in my particular situation?  I think, not good:  it will make me want sex and/or masturbation more.  This would presumably encourage me to use the potentially-lethal sildenafil more often.  This is contrary to what I intend, which is, to keep my libido in check, so I can better focus on my non-sexual goals.  In other words, enhancing my libido and/or increasing my testosterone will be counterproductive.  Or so I speculate, having no expert on hand to discuss this with.

Of course, when it comes to my specific situation, I am probably the world’s foremost expert.  That’s unfortunate.

{3/24/22} update.

Sildenafil arrived yesterday. The pills are tiny, 20 mg; I’m guessing that what I used before was 50 mg, or more than twice as much. My experience with the 20 mg pills bears out this assumption. After taking a 20 mg dose and waiting twenty minutes, I began masturbating. I had a better erection than without the drug, but it was insufficient to get me “over the top.” One hour after taking the pill I took a second, and about twenty minutes later I was able to achieve orgasm with some difficulty. That was yesterday evening.

This result is somewhat discouraging; the fact that I’ll have only thirty doses instead of sixty is disappointing, but I’m glad to have gotten the job done. I was without an orgasm for six weeks [I keep track] and had gotten more than usually obsessed about sex–this is the reason I’m willing to risk my life by taking these pills, or so I believe. Today has been more relaxed, but I did no fiction writing, which is the acid test of my concentration these days. I’m hoping that I can get by on just two doses/orgasms a month, but I must admit that I was tempted to give it another go today. More updates will follow.

{3/16/22} First entry

This entry, more than most, is for “mature adults only.”  In it I talk about erectile dysfunction, masturbation, and my experience with sildenafil (which I gather is the generic name for Viagra). All I can offer here is the honest “unvarnished” tale of my experience; please do not consider any of this “medical advice” or “legal advice” or indeed, “advice of any kind.”

Well I took the plunge in something I’ve been thinking about for two weeks or more: I went to RexMD.com to order some pills for my erectile dysfunction (hereafter “ED”). From talking to “my doctor” at the VA, I knew that if I told the truth I was likely to be turned down.  So I lied my ass off, as the usual expression goes; I was accurate about my date of birth (I’ll be 75 this month), but not about my medical history, blood pressure, and the medications I’m taking.  I have been warned that I might get a phone call from “their doctor,” who undoubtedly looks at a million applications a day (or a dozen, perhaps); I did not, however, make a note of the lies I told, so if he asks me to repeat anything I might have a problem.  I told the web site that my blood pressure was 125/85, which might actually be accurate, but of course I’m on pills for that.

The bottom line is that my Paypal account has been charged $102 for a three-month supply of sildenafil, that being sixty pills.  This is the “introductory” rate; you can buy more at that rate, but to renew the order you’ll be shelling out $600, or in that neighborhood ($10 per pill).  I have no idea what a normal price would be, but I won’t face that probably for a year or more (I anticipate using two to three pills a month at most).

Now, I originally was getting four pills a month, free, from the VA.  Since my heart attack (12/1/20) and subsequent prescription drugs (also free), my doctor will no longer provide the pills, because they might kill me.  Why, then, go through this business?

ED is a great joke until you have it.  Perhaps as a result, men who have it mostly don’t talk about it.  So it likely would be worth explaining (in my usual uncommonly ballsy way) why I think I have it and what my experience has been.  I, having more balls that brains (as the usual expression goes) talked frankly about my ED, in a “group therapy” kind of group, when I first got the pills maybe three years ago.

I first had a serious ED problem when I was diagnosed with prediabetes (hereafter “PD”).  I knew I had a problem with PD because I was getting numbness and occasional sharp pains in my feet and legs, and if I remember correctly, in my hands.  These symptoms started shortly after my release from prison in 2016, likely because I now had full access to all the treats that I had gone without for my ten-year “vacation.”  That is, I ate all the sugar I wanted, and I wanted a lot.  Due to insane delays in getting Medicare Part B started, and my very silly decision not to go to a doctor until I had that dubious coverage, it took over a year for me to actually get tested and to get said diagnosis.  As it turned out, I saved NO money by waiting.

Okay.  I had put on a lot of weight during that waiting period; I came out of prison with $6,000 in the bank because my stepfather had died while I was in; he left me ten grand, of which I spent four during my last couple or three years inside.  Given my diagnosis, I cut down on sugar (but not enough) and generally my eating, and lost about thirty pounds, which stopped but did not reverse the growing numbness.  I say “not enough,” because I recognized the occasional sharp pains I was still getting.  I interpret these pains, without medical training you understand, as the death of peripheral nerves.  A couple of years ago, or four years after the onset of my PD, I felt the dreaded sharp pain for the first time in my groin.  Did I lose a major nerve to my penis?  That’s my guess.

So, I do not have a “significant other”; I masturbate.  For forty years I masturbated daily or more often.  You perhaps didn’t want to know that, and would prefer not to contemplate a 74-year-old man whacking away for up to an hour at a time, several times a week, without “satisfaction.”  I have found that I get the best results in said whacking if I prepare for the final push over the top.  This preparation includes moisturizing the head of my circumcised penis (as you may imagine, I am no fan of circumcision), and masturbating for as long as I can stand it, once or twice or more, the day or days ahead of when I hope to get off.  Another way to put that is that I masturbate, hoping for satisfaction, and failing.

When I got my first prescription of sildenafil, “it was a miracle.”  This is what I told my group non-therapy group, after explaining the need.  This half-hour’s performance was much referred to, glancingly and risibly, over the next year in the group (COVID and a return to prison for nine months ended these meetings).

The erection I got on sildenafil was not what I was used to; I’ll spare the graphic details, because, though different, it was still a miracle, and it enabled my longed-for satisfaction.  (BTW, some may like to know that I used butter as a lubricant for many years; lately I use Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula moisturizer, which is less slick, but also less greasy and smells a lot better after a day or so without showering).  The pill lasts “four hours,” but in fact my experience is that it lasts strongly for about an hour, well enough for up to four hours, and weakly thereafter for almost a week!

As for side effects, I have experienced none except a one-time bout of devastating tinnitus—I had napped after a dose of the pill, plus orgasm, and woke, coincidentally, four hours after taking the pill, to find myself with enough tinnitus that I wanted to die.  Fortunately, the shrieking subsided after some minutes or hours of dreading “the end of Rico.”  I had been taking white pills, and I think the tinnitus happened after taking my first of the blue version.  Naturally, I put the blue ones aside; but eventually I used all four, showing how desperate one gets for sexual release (more about this below).

Well, since I was “cut off,” my results of masturbation have been increasingly frustrating; this month I have seen the total end of my “sex life” (if you want to call it that, as I do).  I can still get an erection, but keeping it for more than about five minutes has proved essentially impossible.  It’s barely possible for me to climax without an erection, or with a weak one, but it takes most of the day, and for a couple of weeks I have not even tried.  Seriously, it’s hard (pun intended).

Okay, monks live without sex (so one hears), why not me?  Because I value my concentration and my devotion to my writing—but if I’ve become obsessive about sex, and about girls under the age of 18, as I pretty much have lately—well, I am willing to risk my life in order to get my life back to my own version of “normal.”  Hence my desperate attempt to get the damned pills, and this blog entry.  Perhaps this decision is hasty; but my story is not quite done.

My doctor says [i.e., said last year], “no more”; but I had three or four pills left at the time.  Over a couple or three months, I’ve used them all, without obvious fatalities or even a stroke.  So I tell myself that my doctor’s scruples are “greatly exaggerated.”  My resolve was strengthened after my last doctor’s visit a bit more than a week ago (he again declined my request, more desperate but not fully forthcoming).  I had seen RexMD ads on TV, as I suppose most of us have.  If you’ve been contemplating trying them, I can’t advise you one way or the other.  First, because that’s a liability risk, second because I have yet to receive any pills for my $102, and third, because your experience is likely radically different from mine.

So consider this a preliminary report; if it is never followed with another, I’m probably dead or in prison. The story of my return to prison and subsequent heart attack is told here. I welcome questions and comments–this is an issue that needs to be talked about.

Copyright 2022 (text only) by Alan Carl Nicoll
All Rights Reserved

4 thoughts on “Viagra: My Desperate Gamble

  1. Completely agree with you ED is not a joke, considering so many men out there are struggling.
    Thanks a lot for coming out and sharing your experience with various erectile dysfunction treatments.

    I really hope more men come out of their cocoon, share, and encourage more to get proper treatments instead suffering in silence.

    Like

    1. Thanks very much for this helpful comment. Unfortunately, it went without my knowledge into a “spam” folder and I did not learn of it until four days later. WordPress is a quirky and not always helpful system, alas. I’ll try to figure out how to change this…I’ve often complained here about not getting comments.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s