Failure of Creativity: Diary, 6/5 to 6/7/21

{6/5/21}  Weight 212.4 at 6:30 am.

{6/6/21}  Weight 213.6 at 7:30 am.

Long, stupid dream of preparing to take a shower, using one of the two in the house, finding the water running in the shower, asking who’s running the water, finally being ready to step in and finding that the shower is blocked by a rudely-built set of shelves, so having to pack up and go to the other shower, located in the corner of a bedroom.  Not a house that I’m familiar with.

Last night I had some rather sharp neuropathy—burning pains in the skin of my left foot, that started around five in the morning.  This happened the previous night, too.  Don’t know what to make of this.

Since I’m getting a late start this morning, I’m putting off the fiction writing until after breakfast.  I also see that if I’m to write down my dreams, I’ll need to rethink the schedule.

I have no ideas for the story, anyway.  I haven’t been able to come up with anything interesting—Kat and Janelle encounter a couple of people as they search the forest, the people don’t know anything about Black Peter (or they tell some unimportant stuff), yada yada.  Maybe they can instead provide important information, like, where he is right now, or where he lives in town, or what’s his deal?  Or maybe one tells of the god of the forest, or says something that’s important to Kat (the theme) but she doesn’t know it yet.  Or maybe the indian is hostile, threatening.  Or offers to help them look.  Offers to protect them from the god or something else.  Or lies to them!  Thus adding a complication; he’s a disciple of Black Pete, or at war with him.  The possibilities are endless, and the only one that has much appeal is the last—he lies to them.

I’m guessing right now that I need to do more of this kind of thinking about my story.  It’s not enough to just sit down at 6:00 in the morning with pen in hand and start writing.  All that leads to is easy, often clichéd, choices.  What’s wanted is “turns of surprising rightness,” and you don’t get those like finding Easter eggs, i.e., just lying around waiting for you.

{6/7/21}  Weight 213.6 at 6:00 am.

Very stupidly neglected to send in my monthly report to probation; now I have to scramble and get it there by hand today and hope that my PO doesn’t do something nasty.

But of course this is par for the (stupid) course, which I say because I’ve also neglected (for more than a month) whining to Medicare about their decision to restart my Part B five months after restarting Part A, and neglected stupidly about complaining to the collection agency about whatever it was I was supposed to complain about more than a month ago in the stupid hope that the truth wasn’t really the truth, that the money ($1500) owed to the L.A. Fire Department hadn’t gone to collection because I stupidly delayed (more than a month) writing to the Fire Dept. about it.

Thus I bring down on my stupid head more troubles by stupidly neglecting thinking about what I’m supposed to think about and do because it’s unpleasant to think about unpleasant things.

So what have I been doing instead?  Stupidly watching DVDs, writing or stupidly not writing my diary and fiction, mostly not-stupidly reading books, stupidly attending Hemlock Club meetings, and otherwise stupidly leading my stupid life, stupidly.

A Twitter friend, whose lifelong questions I responded to with “I find your approach and questions highly abstract and mostly useless (sorry).  What difference will answers make to your daily life, your behavior?  That’s my pragmatism speaking, but I have, in essence, nothing else” told me, “I find you depressing and one-dimensional. Stewing in your low opinion of yourself all the time, writing a blog that makes me want to slit my wrists. Stop it. Get a hobby. Oh, and philosophy? Pedantic and *useless* in the extreme. At best it’s a spur to science. BORING.”

The squabble continued:

“Thank you for an honest response.  I don’t know where you get “one-dimensional”; if anything, I have too many interests, I’m a perennial dilettante.  “Depressing”?  Guilty as charged.  Life would be easier if I still supported the Democrats.”

“You’re right. You do have many interests. It’s your whole vibe that’s one-dimensional. It’s a pit of despair, no matter what you’re talking about. Nobody wants to hear that. Sorry… not in a good place to be nice right now.”

I didn’t respond to this.  I might have responded from my pit of despair by saying, “I’m a 74-year-old pariah and America has gone to ruin in my lifetime, what pit is more appropriate for me?”  Or the like, but I haven’t and won’t.  It’s a pointless squabble, and not our first—he has blocked me twice.

Watched Blade and Blade II.  Effective comic-book hero versus comic-book vampires with gimmick weaponry and lots of gore.  Somewhat derivative.  The best part of Blade was scene-stealing N’Bushe Wright as an ass-kicking sexy hematologist; alas, she was not in the sequel.  There’s one more movie in the DVD package I bought cheap at Wal-Mart.  If you haven’t seen these, you probably don’t need to; if you have seen these, you have your own opinion, eh?

No fiction writing this morning, mostly because I’m lazy, not especially ambitious regarding fiction, and my imagination is on holiday.  When I get a good idea, I want to write it; when I don’t have a good idea, I don’t want to try to write.  As it happens, today I was distracted by the necessity of working on the monthly report to probation.  That is now done, just awaiting delivery—it’s 10:00 am.  I also have to buy groceries today (or, at least, want to).  Between the two, it will be a lot of tedious walking and bus riding, but fortunately the hot weather is giving me a break (it’s 78° outside).  I washed dishes twice this morning!  Still much to do…I have shelves to put up, too.  Day-to-day living seems to take a lot of work, but I’m always willing to spend hours on twitter, until I’m not.  And there’s the rub:  I am rarely single-minded about anything except goofing off, and not even that.

Okay:  the way to get “turns of surprising rightness” is the way to get anything creative and excellent, by getting lots of them and picking out “the best.”  Yesterday I considered possibilities for “the indian and the girl” that Kat and Janelle encounter.  Today I will come up with some more “turns”; this is the task I set for my creative self, to fit in around my errands and stuff.

One such could be that the newcomers are the family of Black Peter, they’re distressed about his current obsession…enough, I have to get to the bus.

Meeting Pablo, grocery shopping, an early dinner, and a long nap later, all such thoughts are forgotten and it’s 8:40 pm.  Several times this afternoon I thought about the “turn of surprising rightness” idea and tried to come up with categories:  revelations of character and revelations of fact were about as far as I got, and I wandered.

I told Pablo that I felt “mentally fatigued.”  This realization came to me as I was crossing the street to get to the bus stop to begin the day’s journeys.  On the center divider, I caught sight of a motorcycle turning into the street; I crossed, and saw that the cyclist had changed lanes to avoid me, and I was surprised by this.  Apparently I had unconsciously dismissed the approaching motorcycle, which seemed to me a surprising thing—to dismiss a potential hazard, to the degree of essentially forgetting it was there.  Where was my mind, that I would do this uncustomary thing?  I concluded that I was fatigued, but it was likely more physical than mental.  I had been “on the go” for more than an hour, getting to the Probation Department and back home via bus trips and walking, and had only fifteen minutes at home, most of which I spent eating ice cream.  So, to be “on the go” again was something my body didn’t like, and it reacted by sending my mind “elsewhere.”

Something like that.  My conclusion, then, while sitting at the bus stop, was that I need to start exercising, or “exercising” via the nature studies that buying a car would permit.  Or something to get my body in better shape—or something to get my mind in better shape.

Clearly, I’m groping.  But if the trivial work done this morning is enough of a drain to make me careless, I need to do something about that, lest my “mental fatigue” lead to something more serious.

Bored by the prospect of Blade: Trinity; so I’m going to post this and do some reading.

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