Classical Music We’ll Never Hear

This is something I wrote on my long vacation (i.e., in prison). Puns, mostly terrible, presented without apology, excuse, or explanation.

Beethoven’s Diminished Fifth.  The Postman Always Sings Twice.  The Finished Unsymphony.  Death and the Hoyden.  Mahler’s Symphony of a Thousand (Hours).  Songs for Dead Earthworms.  Boris Not Quite Godunov.  Khovanshchina?  Gesundheit!  That Grand Canyon Thing with the Donkey.  The Maid with the Flaxen Pubic Hair.  The Belly-up Cathedral.  La Merd.  Don Juanovanni.  Aïda Bagel with Lox.  Des Knöbben Flügelhorn.  Für IOUs.  The Moonshine Sonata.  Pollyachoo!  La Boohoo.  Tosca Ninny.  Tostada and Fugue in the Diner.  Wig on Bald Noggin.  The Cohonescracker.  Trouble in Trenton.  Bachianas Baltimoras.  Les Qualuudes.  The Hungarian Raspodie.  The Planetoids.  The Door Knockers of Rome by Ottava Rimo Spaghetti.  Ein Heldentenor.  Siegfried’s Forging a Czech.  Götterdämnitall.  Terrace Bulbous.  The Flying Little Dutch Boy.  Mother Goose and Lohen Grimm.  Tannsalon.  Carnival Funeral March.  William Won’t Tell.  Iphigenia in Trouble.  Missus Solemnambulis.  La Trivial Frittata.  Elvira’s Mad Again.  The Four or Five Seasons.  The Well-Peppered Chandelier.  The Rights of Bedsprings.  Concerto for Chicken and Noodles.  The Steps Up To My Attic.  Pet Russki.  The Thieving Magpie—oh, wait.  Tchaikovsky’s Pathetic Symphony.  Symphonia Domestica Disturbancea.  The Dance of the Hours and Hours.  The Cunnilingus Little Vixen.  Siegfreak.  Car Man.  Nixon in Pottery.  Amahl and the Night-Soil.  The Tender Land Rover.  Ballet for Martha Stewart.  Mephistofalaffel.  Hansel and Gretel and Zombies.  Madama Buttered Noodles.  The Magic Flautas.  The Abduction from the Pistachio.  The Bar Carol.  Bowl Arrow.  The Lark is Bending.  Humorlessque.  Variations on a Theme of Haydn Seek.  The Four Stooges.  Eine Kleine Knott’s Berry Farm.  Mathis der Mauler.  Hemidemisemiquaver for Piano and Orchestra.  Concerto for Tin Ear.  Boogie-Woogie Bugle Zombie.  Octet for Octopus.  Orpheus in His Underwear.  Largo for Cat and Jackass.  Tristan and His Older Cousin.  Die Meisterscreamer.  Omphale’s Spinning Head.  Academic Festival Orgy.  The Sorcerer’s Printing Press.  The 1812 Overcoat.  The Poet and Pheasant Omelet.  A Little Night-Soil.  Waltz in Three Quarts of Slime.  Enigma Prevarications.  Wienertotenlieder (Songs for Dead Sausages).  Bedlam for Forty Kazoos.  Capriccio Espamol.  Divertiscement.  Rest for Piano.  My God, What is that Horrible Noise?

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